I Can't Go Back

Having good manners sometimes just means extending grace to those with bad manners.

That used to be an impossible feat for me to accomplish. If you know me, really know me, you'd probably till this day label me, in the nicest way possible, a feisty chick when it comes to rude behavior.

I would let you know just how I felt about the way you hastily threw my glass objects in the plastic bags, the tomatoes on my salad that I asked you to take off because "it's your job, not mine!" *eye roll*, and how your lack of customer service was going to get you fired. And sometimes I even got you fired.

Yuck.

Who was that girl? The one that met misery with misery. Who thought the world owed her something. Who felt entitled to everyone making sure she was happy. Why?

It hit me shortly after Isaiah died. I would go out in public and be at the mercy of other people's miserable attitudes. I was trying my best to hold it together and get through a store without hearing a baby cry or spotting something that reminded me of what I was missing, and no one noticed.

Everyone was so entangled in their own messy life, no one saw me drowning.

I needed patience. I needed compassion. I needed to remember what I even needed because the thoughts of what I was missing were taking me down.

But I was met with short glances, empty "how are yous" and cold silence.

I remember wanting to return something of Isaiah's, only to be met with exasperation and the "can't you do anything right?" look, when I explained I didn't have the receipt. I wanted to scream "MY BABY JUST DIED! HOW CAN YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?!"

But I kept quiet, I swallowed back the lump in my throat and I blinked away tears and I knew right then and there that I would never be the same woman.

I can't undo what his precious life & sudden death have allowed me to see so clearly. I can't unlearn how to meet adversity with love. I can't forget my darkest days of wishing someone extended grace. I can't go back to rushing through my life while I inadvertently shut out those desperate for a simple act of kindness.

Be the good you wish to see in the world. The people who seem the least deserving of your love are the ones who need it most. Cliché, maybe. Life changing? You bet.

Happiest Holiday season.

Thanks Mama's mans.