But before you go thinking I'm a delusional mother, hear me out.
I used to be thankful for a lot of things. Good things, too. Like my family, friends, health, etc...you know, the things that we all rattle off, not knowing what it's like to go without them, and not wanting to imagine a world where we'd have to. To be thankful for something, to truly, deeply know that emotion, you have to know what it's like to go without. How can I realllyy be thankful for a meal when I've never felt hunger pains? How can I be thankful for a roof over my head when I've never felt the sting of homelessness? How easy it was for me to sit around a table and express my gratitude while healthy loved ones laughed and ate until their stomachs hurt.
But then something beautiful happened. This boy changed my world. A messy, painful, tear filled two and a half years have followed his death, and I feel honored to have been chosen to walk this road less traveled. That doesn't mean I don't miss him with every molecule of my being, or that I don't still lay awake some nights until 4 in the morning trying to grasp how he was breathing one minute and gone the next. That doesn't mean that I don't sit in the cemetery and envy all of those people whose names are etched into pieces of concrete, knowing they are closer to him than I.
I love my son. I love him enough to embrace his absence, sometimes with a smile, and sometimes with tears, but always, allll.ways, with a grateful heart. Because in lieu of what was sure to have been an adventurous past couple of years, I've been gifted with a lifetime of changed perspective.
I found a girl who pays for groceries for a young couple with the last few dollars I have. I found conversations with my children as opportunities to never pass up. I found extending grace to those who make mistakes. I found people asking me for advice because they knew I couldn't and wouldn't cast the first stone. I found out what it's like to greet strangers with a smile. I found out what happens when I take a moment to go above the surface level hellos and engage in conversations. I found love where I wanted to hate, and forgiveness when I wanted to be angry. I found boldness where I would have been meek and compassion when I would have walked on past. I found me. I found the person God created long before the world got a hold of me.
I missed out on so much good in the world when my world was good.
Happy Thanksgiving, Mama's Mans.
But then something beautiful happened. This boy changed my world. A messy, painful, tear filled two and a half years have followed his death, and I feel honored to have been chosen to walk this road less traveled. That doesn't mean I don't miss him with every molecule of my being, or that I don't still lay awake some nights until 4 in the morning trying to grasp how he was breathing one minute and gone the next. That doesn't mean that I don't sit in the cemetery and envy all of those people whose names are etched into pieces of concrete, knowing they are closer to him than I.
I love my son. I love him enough to embrace his absence, sometimes with a smile, and sometimes with tears, but always, allll.ways, with a grateful heart. Because in lieu of what was sure to have been an adventurous past couple of years, I've been gifted with a lifetime of changed perspective.
I found a girl who pays for groceries for a young couple with the last few dollars I have. I found conversations with my children as opportunities to never pass up. I found extending grace to those who make mistakes. I found people asking me for advice because they knew I couldn't and wouldn't cast the first stone. I found out what it's like to greet strangers with a smile. I found out what happens when I take a moment to go above the surface level hellos and engage in conversations. I found love where I wanted to hate, and forgiveness when I wanted to be angry. I found boldness where I would have been meek and compassion when I would have walked on past. I found me. I found the person God created long before the world got a hold of me.
I missed out on so much good in the world when my world was good.
Happy Thanksgiving, Mama's Mans.
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