Why I Didn't Light A Candle For My Son

I'm no good at facades. I wish were, because grief requires some sort of make believe every so often in the hopes of not appearing psychotic. I'm supposed to be this strong, yet honest figure of what it looks like to continue to live after a part of you dies...or at least that's what I've told myself. I don't have a choice on the part of me dying scenario, that was just handed to me, much like my lifeless baby being not so gracefully placed on my lap at 4 in the morning. 

I didn't light a candle this year. I didn't post anything about my sweet boy. It's not because I've forgotten him, or because I don't hurt. It's not because I don't believe in spreading awareness about infant death. It's because I'm sick of it, at least at this moment in time. The only candle I want to light for my precious, beautiful son is the one that sits on top of a birthday cake. 

Sometimes, actually most times, I can go about my life with as much normalcy as I am capable of. But there are also these grand moments of defiance. It's like being a teenager, without all, ok most, of the acne. You know when you're over that particular sport that you beeegged to sign up for? The one that your parents spent a bazillion dollars on, and now you hate it? You cry and whine and now beg your way out of said sport, but your mom is all like "you are sticking this out. You are not a quitter. I've spent a lot of money on this, and you will go, because I'm your mom and I said so." But you don't want to play badminton anymore, so you purposely start sucking in the hopes that mom will see what a waste this is, and you'll be off the hook. 

Sometimes I just want to suck at being in the dead baby club. Maybe if I'm not good at it, God will be like "hey, you're clearly not cut out for this because you didn't light a candle and post a picture of it on Facebook, so, surrrprise, here's Isaiah, you can have him back. You did good for awhile, but now I see that you're over it." *pats me on the back* 

See what I meant about having to put on a front in order to not appear psychotic? Because this is crazy. But it's the real deal. 

So here's to the moms of gone-too-soon-babies who suck at honoring their babies sometimes. Your lack of public announcements doesn't equal a lack of love. Don't feel obligated to grieve any other way but honestly.

*Disclosure, this may seem insensitive to some, but I assure you, there's nothing more in the world that I'm most sensitive about. There's no way to sugar coat infant death, and even if there were, I'm just not cut out for wrapping ugly things with pretty bows.*