Bread crumbs for thought.

There's a box next to my nightstand. It's been there for a year, never opened since we moved. I've never wondered what is in it or thought about opening it. It's marked "Sav's night stand. Keep out." and even though I was the one who wrote it, I figured it was best if even I heeded that warning. Today, I ripped it open, unaware of what I might find, a little scared to face old memories, because for me, memories are always coupled with "what ifs." I didn't want to go there, to that place of uncertainty, where I question my purpose on Earth, God's existence, and what decision was it, what could I have done differently to change the outcome of Isaiah's fate.

 First, (and least importantly, but still really awesome) I found 5 Coach wristlets that I totally forgot I had. Score! I found my planner from 2011, the year that I found out I would become Mom to another life...a really important life that would change my entire perspective on my purpose here. I found pieces of my life that I tucked away, knowing one day they would be of importance. 

Most importantly I found a piece of me, my state of mind in my rock bottom days, yearning for acceptance and to be filled with God's love on a journey I felt I was taking alone. The only evidence of my thoughts while my precious boy was in my belly, the only window into my soul of the person I once was while I was desperate for God's grace. The tears began to form as I read my heart's deepest desires, pleading for His help, and scribbling down all of the blessings He had already bestowed upon my life.

 Only, those tears turned into gut wrenching cries as I read:

"I just can't ever imagine a time when this portion of my life will look better than the present. I pray that I never have to see that day. I pray that this storm passes, and when it does, I will come out of it a stronger woman of God, mother, & wife. I know there's a reason for all of this, & maybe digging deeper into a relationship with God will reveal it, because I can't begin to understand how my situation can be looked at as a blessing."

 I saw that God was strengthening me for something, and although I couldn't figure out what that was, I never imagined He would use a hard time to strengthen me for something much worse. I thought I knew His plan, I thought that was the deepest, darkest valley I would have to overcome, and that if I kept on obeying His commands and following His will for my life, the blessings would surely come. But instead, a darker day was looming ahead. No one ever tells us that. Growing up in church my whole life, I learned that if you were being obedient and your life lined up with God's purpose for it, your cup would runneth over. 

But the real, not so appealing truth is that God's design for our lives, molding us and shaping us like clay into the person He has created us to be, HURTS. His work in my life, strengthening me, and emptying my cup to the point of dehydration, forcing me to drink from the well that never runs dry, wasn't punishment. It was redemption. Only, I thought this was a one time deal, surely God's blessings are right around the corner, I've placed my life in His hands. Then the lightbulb in my brain turned on, and "what if His blessings come through rain drops" resonated in my heart. These trials & valleys we walk through ARE the blessings. They're shaping us to be children of the Creator, the one who knows us by name, whose ways are higher than our ways, who wants us to be equipped to accomplish all of our hearts desires that He impressed on our hearts. This way has proven that trials will indeed come, but I can welcome them, knowing that my Father has bigger plans for me than I do, and not only on this Earth, but for all of eternity. So there it is. Another "bread crumb" that was left in this valley, knowing it would nourish my soul, and leave me hungry for the next time God allows me to take a peak at this masterpiece He has started.