I want you to know that you're not missing out. The toys that line the shelves promising fun and excitement are specks of dirt in comparison to your new Home.
Yet, I still find every part of my being longing for your presence...to see your blue eyes light up looking at the Christmas tree, to laugh as you would surely have eaten the wrapping paper and paid no attention to the gifts, to smile seeing you all bundled up like an Eskimo when we go to see Grammy, to pry a slobbery mess of a candy cane out of your mouth that your siblings would have most definitely snuck for you.
Most days I force those thoughts away, and focus on what God has blessed me with, but today as I walked through Toys R Us, I glanced over to see the exersaucer I had picked out for you when you were in my belly. I felt my throat tighten up and my eyes fill with tears, so I walked faster before I fell apart, willing myself to stop being so sad. I didn't know if I'd be able to face another store, but I still needed Christmas jammies for the kids. The crowds were so large, I walked into Target feeling like a cow being herded into the Christmas chaos that didn't feel anything like joy or peace or love...and then I smiled.
You, my baby boy, understand Christmas more than any of us here do. As I'm running around looking for the perfect gift, you're sitting on His lap. I never got the chance to show you my love through gifts and toys and giving in when you want just one more kiss before bedtime, but I have no doubt that you are immersed daily in immeasurable, unconditional, pure love, and that's something that no amount of money can buy. Merry Christmas my-saiah. I'll see you in my dreams!
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