The Misconceptions of Losing a Child

If you're a parent, you've no doubt let the thought of losing one of your kids pass through your mind. It's your worst nightmare, something that brings tears to your eyes and can knock the wind out of you just thinking about it. I remember being that parent, the one who would hear stories of children dying...all different ages and from different causes, and for a brief moment, I would imagine how I would cope if that were my own child. I'd snap back to reality with the same thought every time.

"That's never going to happen to me."

 For some reason, at some point, whether it was the moment you saw two pink lines, or the first time you held that sweet, probably cone-headed, but still beautiful- to- you baby, something inside of you said "I will never let anything hurt you." And you wholeheartedly believed that you had the final say.

During these years that I had never experienced loss, I somehow was able to reason that if I ever had a child die, I didn't think it would be nearly as painful if they were young. You don't really know them, they didn't talk or have a personality. If I had  to have a child die, I could probably deal with that. I could definitely deal with a miscarriage. It can't be that hard to get over a child you had never met, right? This is the part where the new me screams at the old me, "HOW COULD YOU EVER HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAY?!" 

I am so ashamed that I was this naive. I am so ashamed that I thought I could deal with things so much better than the people who were living these nightmares. As my husband frantically placed our lifeless son in front of me, I remember hearing my own screams and not knowing where they were coming from. Thinking over and over and over "This doesn't happen to me. This is not my story. I can fix this. They're going to tell me that he's ok." My brain struggled with reality and desperate pleas for a miracle. 

So whether or not you have lost a child, have healthy children, or no children at all, it is important for you to know this: whether you have seen their face, or heard their cry, whether you had 24 days or 24 years, whether you had time to say goodbyes or they were taken in an instant, the death of a child is nothing you can prepare for. It's nothing you can compare. From the moment we learn of their life, dreams and expectations are born. But when we learn of their death, the dreams, all of the plans we made, they don't die. We comparmentalize them into the "things that are never going to happen" bucket in our brains, only for them to resurface anytime we pass a ball field and think "he's never going to learn how to throw a ball.", or by an elementary school as we wonder what their first day of kinder would have been like, or attending a wedding and realizing that they'll never fall in love and get married. Those moments that were stolen from us can't be replaced. Our brains can't forget what our hearts long for. 

But..and this is hard for me to write, because I so often forget...if we take those broken dreams, those pieces that don't fit into your new puzzle anymore, and hand them over to God, I promise you, He will hand you over a brand new puzzle, with all of the pieces, and instead of letting you figure it out on your own, He'll sit on the floor next to you and help you put this whole thing back together. Now this isn't going to happen overnight, He's not going to hand you a 24 piece toddler puzzle...I'm thinking it's more like a 3D replica of the White House. Take your time, cry, and when you feel like kicking your puzzle, look at the big picture again, I'm sure you'll find that you've come a long way.